He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
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She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
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i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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