I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
