We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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