he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
