I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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