I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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