I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
