hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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