i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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