is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
