my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
