I was born with a shot glass in my hand
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
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i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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