i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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