So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
