Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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