theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
