....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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