You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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