Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
