and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
