i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
