they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
