Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
