he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Will exercising make me less horny?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
