My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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