He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
