How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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