Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
handjob tips. give me some.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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