he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
