Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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