Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
