You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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