mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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