I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
