i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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