We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
