I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
