Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
