I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You had me at "let me see your balls"
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
