I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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