I can feel you judging me through the phone.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
