the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
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There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
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Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
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