just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
