Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
