Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
