My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
