I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
