You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He shit in the fireplace
soo... how was my night?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
