yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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