please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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