I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
