Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just found puke in my bra..
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
