i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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