I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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