When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Randomize
