Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
the condom got lost in my hair
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
