He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
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NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
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You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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